"Goin' down! Mayday! Mayday!"
Today's weight: 128.5 pounds. Temperature: 96.8?F.

Yep, that's how I'm feeling. Lousy, in pain, and horrid, all the way through.

'Course, I was bemoaning my fate this morning, thinking I was being unjustly punished, starving, feeling dreadful, and still fat -- but I'd forgotten Sunday, hadn't I? Nothing unjust about it. Consequences of fuckup.

Apparently I slept through no less than three snooze alarms this morning, as I found out when I indignantly asked A. why he turned the alarm off instead of turning on the snooze as I'd asked. Then slept some more -- no cardio for me. I was late as it was, just preparing my three meals.

one, 4 tablespoons 8-grain cereal, vanilla s/f syrup, tablespoon black raspberry s/f jam; cup egg sub with green salsa; green tea.

two, frittata with cup egg sub, cup spaghetti squash, the usual seasonings and tablespoon flax seed, two tablespoons tofu cream, s/f pancake syrup.

three, salad with Romaine, handful grape tomatoes, a roasted pepper, balsamic vinegar-mustard dressing; other pumpkin ryecake with pumpkin-Jello goo to put on top.

I feel like hell. Somehow, I must kick myself into a back and tricep workout tonight, plus a nice, long, painful cardio session. Yek. I've also got to clean the cat litter -- it's revolting.

All I want to do is go to bed, for a couple of days if possible. I'm tired of everything, including life, at the moment.

And our laptop is still dead. The tech at Radio Shack has been trying to get it, sort of, running enough to save some of our data -- I don't think he believed me, that the hard drive was truly farked, thought it was just a Silly Person software problem. Now, two days of frustration later, I think he's convinced.

Tuesday, flushed
Yesterday, I did not do my arm workout. All day long, my body felt progressively more like crap, until by the time I got home from work I was so stiff, and in so much pain all over, that I was moving like Marvin the Paranoid Android on a bad day, and just about as bitchy.

I did do forty minutes on the stepper, though. A. had rented The Enemy at the Gates, and I watched that -- though it did not grip me sufficiently to keep me for the rest of it.

What I ate:
four, pumpkin rye-and-whites cake (like the oatcake, but with flakes of rye) with pumpkin-Jello pudding goo; cup of green beans with dill and butter sprinkles;

five, 7 oz zucchini grated, mixed with 2 tablespoons soy protein, cooked into cakes; 2.75 oz chicken with a tablespoon That Sauce; Jello pudding powder, flax fibre, a tablespoon almond butter mixed to goo with soymilk, topped with a dusting of slivered almonds. Tea.

Then I went to bed, quite early, and read for a while, Brenda Ueland's If You Want to Write. I've had this book for a few years, and sort of forgotten about it (been prowling through all of my writercraft books lately, which I hope means I'm due for a Burst of Creative Energy). It's much lauded, most places, as being terribly inspiring and motivating and all those wonderful things.

Unfortunately, she simply pisses me off. "Everyone can write. Everyone has an authentic voice." Bla-de-bla. Her anecdotes about her little working-class students finding their true inner voices, all simple and honestly perceived, seem horridly patronising to me (or would that be matronising?). All the way through, I kept finding myself asking, "and just who are you, Brenda, to be confidently assuring me of this, with your smug little affirmations?" Besides a friend of Carl Sandburg of course, which she tells us several times.

I stuck it on top of the Books to Sell pile this morning. Bleah.

Happiness lies in mediocrity
I have been wrong, it seems. Don't do what you love; seek quiet, respectable anonymity in your work, and find your passion elsewhere.

I suppose there's happiness, then there's happiness. Nemko is speaking of contentment, not joy.

Not that there's anything wrong with contentment, I suppose -- after all, I've chosen it for fifteen years, haven't I? But then what? Do this for another twenty years, then pass into the dark, having done nothing even I'm truly proud of, let alone achieved fame or fortune?

I don't want fame or fortune, really. But I don't want to die with the knowledge that I've risked nothing, tried nothing, been an entire waste of a life's time.

Eh.

Today's weight: 128.5 pounds. Temperature 97.2?F.

Ran this morning for a bit over 20 minutes, with the dog. He was very good! I chanced leaving him off the leash, and he listened when I told him to sit, waited patiently at every intersection, did not run suddenly across the road at any time...

The moon was full and bright, still hanging in the sky, and there was frost on the grass. Frost. This has been one of the oddest summers I've never experienced. Not that I am particularly enamoured of Southern Ontario's traditional sauna-like two months of steamy humidity, but neither am I a fan of cold. Feels as though I'm going to be plunged right back into winter without ever once having been truly warm.

Food thus far:
one, 1/4 cup 8-grain cereal with vanilla s/f syrup and a bit of sugar-free black raspberry jam; 1 cup scrambled egg sub with salsa. Instant coffee.

two, 1 cup egg sub frittata'ed with onion, spaghetti squash, flax seed, with tofu mayo and pancake syrup.

three, 3.25 oz chicken, cooked up fajita-style with some peppers, onion, garlic, lime juice and spices, with a tablespoon or so of frozen edamame (just because they were there, a tag-end in the freezer), accompanied by a large dish of Romaine with grape tomatoes over which to pour it.

You may have noted (or, heck, you may not) that I am no longer including the "sour shot" in my meal records. That's 'cos I am no longer including the sour shot. Don't know about nutrient partitioning, but it was inarguably disagreeing with me in some fundamental way -- necessitating a burst of cardio as I zipped to the bathroom almost exactly twenty minutes after every meal so accompanied. Yeah. So much for that...

I have also abandoned the ZMA. I forgot to take it for a couple days, and the bloating round my tum seemed to abate very slightly. Since stopping it altogether (about three weeks now) I've lost over an inch round the waist. I am now taking melatonin, though, cos the ZMA definitely made me sleep better even if t'was keeping me apple-shaped.

So much for Monday
Wrap that up:
meal four, oatcake with Jello pudding on top, 4 ounces broccoli, fizzy drink made with instant coffee powder, sugar-free chocolate syrup and soda water.

meal five, a cup of green beans with a sprinkle of nutritional yeast and lemon pepper; shiratake with chicken and a sauce composed of tofu mayo and a roasted red pepper, blended together (very tasty!)

Late snack of sugar-free lime Jello with a bit of tofu cream flavoured with coconut extract.

I did an ab routine:
Weighted Swiss Ball Crunch
35lb DB 3x15

Twisting Crunch (knees to side, torso flat)
3x12

Reverse Crunch (holding for 2 seconds at top)
3x10

followed by 30 minutes on the stepper, watching parts of Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai. I really like this movie, which is a rather bittersweet, occasionally bitingly funny, and very well-musicked meditation on the inevitable passing of tradition and honour.

Bloodless reconstruction
This is very cool: a Shockwave animation (very tidy and gore-free) of ACL reconstruction.

Care for a cut off the joint, miss?
I forgot the other notable event of Friday, which consisted of visiting my doctor for the MRI report.

I didn't get to see the images, but apparently it is not a pretty picture. I do have a copy of the report, and it is full of editorial comments like "this young patient".

Things going on in this young patient's left knee include...
All sorts of chewing and damage to the meniscus -- the cushiony bit between the knee and the lower leg -- the highlight being a "very large displaced medial meniscal fragment, flipped into the medial gutter". It is big; 1.6cm by 1.3cm.

Complete (rather than partial, as per original diagnosis) tear of the anterior cruciate ligament, the infamous ACL.

Bone island and early osteophytes (osteoarthritis -- often associated with damaged joints).

Kneecap a mess. "Severe chondromalacia patella" in official terms, which means, essentially, "The cartilage cushion on the back of the kneecap is gone; the bone of the kneecap is all worn and horrid, and it's been grinding against the associated leg bones too, so now their cartilage is going." Yumma.

Sprain of the MC ligament, and "effusion", which means "lots of fluid puffing out the joint."

And what does this mean to me, and my hobbling progress through life? To my immense relief, the doctor didn't suggest surgery as a first option. Since my knee gives out only occasionally, he said that repair of the ACL is probably not necessary at the moment. And that weight-lifting is a good thing, strengthening the surrounding muscles.

His first suggestion is injections of synovial fluid straight into the knee, to juice it up and lubricate it. Yech, but the least invasive.

Next option is minor surgery -- not the ACL repair, but a scope and scraping of all the loose and torn bits of cartilage. He suspects, because of where the pain is when he pokes me, that most of the trouble is coming from the messed-up kneecap and the osteoarthritis. The synovial fluid would help with the arthritis, and the scraping would improve the kneecap situation.

Of course, naturally, synovial fluid injections aren't covered by OHIP. It's $400 for the series of three. Hurrah. (I hear OHIP doesn't even cover eye exams any more. Last I heard, being able to see was necessary... I wish our stupid government would either shit or get off the pot. Go for the full US paid health care model and damn the critics, or quit gutting our socialised medicine on the quiet and hoping no one notices until it's too late. Mind you, no one is noticing, are they? You cannot underestimate the apathy of our electorate, it would seem.)

Which brings us back to D'oh
Today's weight: 129.5 pounds. (yeah, whatever. I confess, my Vim and Zest for this enterprise is fading fast. Doesn't seem to matter what I do: cheat, be strict, exercise, don't -- nothing's budging. This sucks.) Temperature 97.5?F.

Rose this morning and rowed (ugh!) for 25 minutes.

Meal one: green tea, Ezekiel wrap, cup of egg sub, peppers, onions, garlic, salsa.

Meal two: spaghetti squash & onion frittata with cup of egg sub, tablespoon flaxseed and That Sauce.

Meal three: salad, can tuna, balsamic/fish oil dressing, and Jello pudding/flax goo for dessert (mixed up with soymilk).

We may -- probably will -- give up on our egg substitute. Standing about this morning as it scrambled, I read the ingredients -- and they've changed it! Bastards! It now has five extra calories, and they've added carbs! Maltodextrin! It used to be nothing but eggs, egg whites and some vitamins; now it's eggs and a whole lot of extra crap other than the maltodextrin.

On to the "one whole egg, some egg whites" routine. Because everything's better with some corn sugar, you know -- Bastards!

Weekend wrap-up
So, indeed, the laptop is crunchy, blackened toast. It may be the hard drive, or it may be the fan. That's the bad news. The good news is that we did purchase an extended warranty on the thing, and, miracle of miracles, it doesn't expire until next year.

Now, I must dig deep, deep into my memory, and summarise the weekend. No food counts, as that software is locked in the laptop's inaccessible electronic brain.

Let's see, here. Friday. Look at that, nothing posted but a silly quiz on Friday. Well, weight was 127.5 pounds, temperature was 97.5?F. I went for a run in the morning, for 30 minutes, and did not do the chest and shoulders workout I was supposed to do (because, instead, I was having temper fits and trying to clear excess software off the laptop during the moments it would consent -- at that point -- to remain on without crashing). Food, as far as I recollect, was on track.

Saturday: Weight was 126 pounds, forgot to take temperature. No exercise, and much running around. We had a baby-naming to go to, so presents had to be found and wrapped, and food made.

Food was more or less on track, although I nibbled a few forbidden things that night -- bite of a cookie, a handful of blueberries, a piece of sushi, and a sip of celebratory mead.

Sunday -- oh, Sunday. Weight was 127.5 pounds, temperature 96.2?F.

This was the Second Great Cheat Day. I ate my frozen Nanaimo bar, I ate some frozen yogourt with Kashi and a protein shake as a post-workout meal, I had bites of a tray of squares A. brought home, and none of the rest of my food was any too stellar either. It was good. I'm glad there was no nutrition software around to watch the horror.

Other things I did on Sunday were rampage my way through two Lois McMaster Bujold books, and perform two, yes, two workouts. So I may have, you know, held steady in my progress rather than utterly destroying things.

First, Legs, the first workout of Rep Range Week. Tempo 212, 90 seconds rest.
Warmup: bodyweight Bulgarian squats, 10/leg

Squats, Olympic bar
WU 65lbs x6
Work 115lbs x8, 8, 8 (wide stance), 8 (narrow stance)

Stationary Lunge, Olympic bar
WU 65lbs L6/R6
Work 95lbs R12/L12, L12/R12, R12/L12
Notes: I did the last one with my front foot slightly elevated on a step platform. Harder work, seemed slightly easier on the joints.

Leg Extension
WU 50lb x6
Work 130lb x10, 140lb x10
Notes: Well, made the reps, thought my head would explode last set.

SL Deadlift, short Olympic bar
WU 69.5lbs x6
Work 104.5lbs x10, 109.5lbs x10
Notes: Made the reps, but on second set there was a strange, worrying sort of buzzy nerve pop happening in my upper arms.

Lying Leg Curl, toes pointed
WU 30lbs x6
Work 65lbs x8, 7
Notes: These still hurt!

Then I did 30 minutes on the stepper and watched half of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Later that evening, I did the Chest workout I blew off on Friday. This was, therefore, the last workout of Power Week, tempo 313, rest 2 minutes.

One-arm DB Bench Press
WU 15lb DB xL6/R6
Work 37.5lb DB xR5/L5, L6/R6, R6/L6
Notes: Challenging, but doable; I seem to be getting the balance of these.

DB Decline Press
WU 17.5lb DB x6
Work 35lb DB x6, 6, 6
Notes: Tried for 7, last set, couldn't do it.

DB Decline Flyes
WU 15lb DB x6
Work 25lb DB x6, 6, 6
Notes: Ever since the last Flye Incident, I am a little cautious of these. They are interesting, on a decline.

Military DB Press, parallel grip
WU 15lb DB x6
Work 27.5lb DB x6, 6, 5
DB Rows x6
Notes: Just for the heck of it, switched immediately to rows with the same weight after failing on the last set of presses. That hurt!

Followed by another 25 minutes on the stepper, watching the other half of Pirates.

Back-back-back...
That back workout I did... oh, when was that? Wednesday?

Here it is. It was Power Week then, so tempo was 313, rest about 2 minutes.

Deadlifts, short Olympic bar
WU 79.5lbs x6
Work 169.5lbs x7, 7, 7
Notes: used straps.

Wide-Grip Chin
2 full + 4 negative, 1 full + 5 negative, 2 full + 4 negative
Notes: One day... one day, I will be able to do a half-dozen chin-ups. In a row. Also, I am using the lat bar straddled between the rafters for these.

Bent-over Barbell Row, short Olympic bar
WU 59.5lbs x6
Work 84.5lbs x6, 6, 6
Notes: Used straps. Last 2, last set, not so good -- not fully up to plexus, more like tum.

Barbell Shrug, short Olympic bar
Work 109.5lbs x8, 119.5lbs x8, 8
Notes: With straps.

Partial Dragon Flags
6
Notes: These sucked so badly that I switched to hanging leg raises because I was afraid I'd hurt myself.

Hanging Leg Raises
6, 6
Notes: Real ones. Legs straight. Ow.

Cable Crunch
45lbs x8, 8, 50lbs x8
Notes: I have written "v. painful!" after these...

Quiz-O-Rama
Oh, I do like me an online quiz. Because, you know, it is all about Me, all the time. Hah. And I am so fascinating. This edition stolen from
Mouse Words.

1. Your name spelled backwards.
Enirahtak
2. Where were your parents born?
My father was born in Reading, UK, my mother in Lubling, Poland.
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
An upgrade from Murkysoft for Windows. And it seems to have farked something, too; my laptop has been crashing catastrophically ever since. I think I will have to do that XP reboot thing tonight.
4. What's your favorite restaurant?
My favourite locally is the Korean-Japanese place up by the university, because no matter how nasty my diet is, I can go and get some variation of delicious, fresh, luscious raw fish, with or without rice, which is nutritionally acceptable and a tasty treat.

For less stringent times, I like the Ethiopian place (mmm, injera!) and the new East Indian restaurant A. and I were at t'other week. Also Fressen on Queen West in Toronto.
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Can't even remember. Um... I think it was Spring 2003 that I made a short-lived effort to include swimming in my workout plans. It failed because not only am I a lousy swimmer, my bodyfat at the time was so low that I was spending most of my time just trying not to sink like a stone to the bottom.
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Have I not! I was always cast in school plays, not because of any surpassing talent but because I could reliably memorise any number of lines. Then I took Drama and Theatre Arts in university, and was in more plays, for credits. Now I frequently appear in local amateur productions. Being on stage is fun.
7. How many kids do you want?
None. Not one. And I would like best if any loud and obnoxious ones produced by others would stay well away from me.
8. Type of music you dislike most?
"Today's Hits and Yesterday's Favourites -- music everyone at work can agree on!" Adult (bluch) Contemporary.
9. Are you registered to vote?
I am indeed, though I do not usually vote, as such.
10. Do you have cable?
No. I'm one of those horrible no-TV snobs.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Sadly, no.
12. Ever prank call anybody?
I have vague memories of standing uncomfortably around on the sidelines of slumber parties while this sort of thing went on. It never seemed terribly thrilling to me, but I pretended that it was.
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Yes. In Toronto. Because I did not see the sign qualifying the "park here between 7 a.m. and 9 p.m." with "excepting this hour in the morning and this hour at night." Fifty dollars! I was livid.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Yes!
15. Farthest place you ever traveled.
Northern Scotland.
16. Do you have a garden?
We have a sort of thick and unsightly tangle of Austin roses, various interesting perennial herbs, and bindweed. Our little plot is very discouraging, as it is full of killer bindweed. We keep telling each other how we're going to dig out everything we want to keep, put it in pots, and scorch the remaining earth with Roundup, but it's so goddam much work.
17. What's your favorite comic strip?
I only read four regularly: Dykes to Watch Out For, For Better or for Worse (although it's gotten really boring these days now that it's all about Michael and whatserface breeding), Get Fuzzy and 9 Chickweed Lane. I really miss Bloom County and Calvin and Hobbes.
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Sher do -- even the French ones.
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
We only have the Bath option available at the moment. Daily in the morning (because I have the kind of hair that can't go out in public after it's been slept on, no matter how short or long it is), and otherwise as necessary.
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Watched altogether, probably The Butterfly Effect.
21. Favorite pizza topping?
I tend to like "pretentious thin crust" types of toppings... shaved Parmesan, artichokes, roasted peppers, prosciutto, that kind of thing. Strong, interesting flavours, and lots of garlic, basically.
22. Chips or popcorn?
Caramel popcorn. Kernels' Double Double Butter or Creamy Caramel, specifically.
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
I don't usually wear lipstick, but when I do it's usually in the rust, burgundy or dried blood colour family.
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
Hunhyunh?
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
I suppose so, since bodybuilding competitions probably count.
26. Orange Juice or apple?
Neither. I like mango juice or peach nectar if I'm going to waste calories on beverages.
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
A., and we went to the new East Indian restaurant. Competition dieting does not particularly lend itself to going out to dinner.
28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Dark, black, savage ultra-cocoa-solids types, like Michel Cluizel's 99%. I started to qualify this answer, then realised that I like most good chocolate. I do not, under any circumstances, like Hershey's. It tastes burnt and stale, which I understand is intentional.
29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
I actually did vote in our last national election. Normally I decline my ballot, which is the only way, in Canada, to make a protest vote that will be, somewhere, counted.
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Few months ago, wasn't it? A. brought home that bunch of tomatoes from our friends' garden.
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
I used to win scholarly ones... History and English are two that I recall. I got a couple of monstrously ugly ones in the bodybuilding show.
32. Are you a good cook?
Reasonably. I can be overly experimental, which sometimes leads to failure.
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Are there still people (with cars, that is) who don't?
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
No.
35. Sprite or 7-up?
Either, if they're diet. I don't really taste a difference. I wish that wacky new Sprite Purple or whatever it is came in a sugar-free variant.
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Yes. I remember it well. Marks & Spencer, and it was polyester. I was once disciplined because my uniform belt had spun round my waist so that the buckle was at the back.
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
The latest issue of Oxygen Magazine, yesterday.
38. Ever throw up in public?
Is there anyone who hasn't? Even I, who hate to throw up and will do almost anything to avoid it, have thrown up in public at least twice that I recall.
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
I have true love, or so I fancy, so I'll take the cash, please.
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
For some people, some of the time. "Believe." How silly.
41. Ever call a 1-900 number?
No.
42. Can ex's be friends?
Depends on the exes, and the circumstances of the breakup.
43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Our friend who had a stroke on my birthday, while he was in the rehab centre.
44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
I don't think so; not that anyone has ever mentioned, anyway.
45. What message is on your answering machine?
A., sounding formal. "You have reached..."
46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
I do not recall that I have ever even watched an entire episode of Saturday Night Live.
47. What was the name of your first pet?
Clea. She wasn't mine, I suppose... she was the family cat. I'm told that when I was born, she thought I was one of her kittens, and later would follow me round the garden keeping watch over me while I played.
48. What is in your purse?
I don't have a purse. My backpack contains (at least -- I'm going on recollection, not opening it to check) my DayTimer, my workout binder, a couple of notebooks, a bunch of pens and pencils and things, three sets of keys, several packages of sugarless gum, a Swiss Army knife, a small Japanese change purse with a cat face on it, a package of Bandaids, a tin of Altoids Strips, a bunch of single-use eyedrop dispensers (contact-lens safe!), my tax return which I will be mailing (obscenely late) later today, and my wallet, containing only ID and no bank cards of any kind. Oh, and a windbreaker, because today's sky is ominous.
49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Read.
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Um... that's a toughie. I am not feeling particularly grateful today. A. was lovely to me all morning. I think he still likes me even though I am terribly, terribly tired and very cranky, and have been all week. And I am glad to have four fuzzy cats and a dog, even though they sleep on top of me all night long so that I can't move and wake up stiff.