Jeudi
Eaten yesterday:
four, 3 ounces chicken cooked up fajita-style with onion, garlic, frozen bell pepper bits and cumin, over Romaine, with some green salsa; 4 tablespoons 8-grain cereal with English Toffee sugar-free syrup and vanilla s-f pudding mix with soymilk on top (very good!). Green tea.

five, 6 ounces broccoli with garlic juice and sundried tomato sprinkles; 2 ounces soy pasta done up faux carbonara style, with some tofu cream diluted with soymilk, some nutritional yeast, parsley flakes, and a tablespoon veggie bacon bits. Also 2 teaspoons real Parmesan. Swoon. One-quarter cup pumpkin mixed with butterscotch sugar-free pudding, cinnamon, nutmeg and hot water for sweet. Green tea.

six (post-run), one cup Kashi Crunch with protein shake mixed thick with a quarter-cup of soymilk and some almond extract.

Also a small mid-afternoon cheat of a half-cup of Fibre One, an Ontario plum (A. bought a box of these, and they've been taunting me in the fridge for two days. Worth it!), and several tablespoons salsa eaten straight from the jar. Sigh, but certainly not anything to cry over.

I did an ab workout (pretty much the same as the one two days ago, but with more weight and a superset).

Superset:
Weighted Swiss ball crunch
45lb DB 3x15

Twisting Swiss ball crunch
b/w 3x12/side

Single set:
V-ups on bench
b/w x10
(I saw these in a magazine, and thought I'd try 'em. They don't seem to hit the abs at all, and my hip flexors get enough strain, thank you.)

Reverse crunches, on bench
b/w 3x10

At 8 o'clock, I went out for a nice long run (52 minutes). It was a lovely night for it -- probably one of the last few we'll get this year, judging by the rest of this so-called summer. Clear dark blue air, full of cricketsong; the gentle evening breeze carrying the smells of balsam of Peru, late flowers, cedar mulch and the occasional whiff of scorching steak; mellow temperature, neither hot nor unpleasantly cool.

I didn't see much of any human activity going out. Starting into the return half of the loop, I passed, going the other way:
4 pedestrians,
3 in-line skaters,
1 cyclist,
all of them busily yattering on their cellphones. Now, it is possible that they were sharing the beauties of the evening with unfortunate housebound friends, but somehow I doubt it.

Then, in the park, I ran past a couple holding hands. The girl? On her cellphone.

I should give up my job, and take up wandering the streets with a sign, "The End of the World is at Hand." I can hardly miss, can I? At the very least, our "civilisation" has clearly just about run its course. Ancient Rome? A model of clearheaded reasonable living by comparison.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Stayin' alive!
Oo, yes. I've got the worst sort of earworm in my head this morning. Why is it that when this happens, it's always some stupid song that you only know about five lines to, rather than, say, a Kate Bush or Ani song you could take all the way through? The same five dreadful lines playing an endless loop through the audio.

Today's weight: 127 pounds. Temperature: 97.1?F.

Ran this morning for 27 minutes. It hurt a lot, and there were many rabbits on the rail trail.

I also noted that our twin cities appear to be trying to perform some sort of Siamese twin separation operation. Most of the main roads right round the boundary have been blocked for most of the summer due to various sorts of construction, but there was one that was open (after being closed all winter as they rebuilt the railway bridge and the section of road under it). I ran up it this morning. It's closed again, and mostly a large gravel pit -- within spitting distance of the part they rebuilt not months ago. Yeah. Someone in the City "planning" department is certainly on the job...

Food o' the day thus far:
one, 1/3 cup barley, almond extract, sugar-free apricot jam, bit of butter sprinkles; cup egg substitute with That Sauce; green tea.

two, 2 cups green beans, ounce grape tomatoes, 3 ounces chicken, teaspoon Dijon, splash balsamic vinegar, thyme, hot sauce, teaspoon Udo's.

three, Romaine, red bell pepper, more balsamic vinegar with some capers in it; pumpkin ryecake, Jello fudge pudding powder with 2 tablespoons tofu cream.

And coffee, very shortly.

Not Wednesday
It seems I told everyone via my phone message that yesterday was Tuesday.

This is the fault of my sophisticated European Dubout cat calendar. In which the week starts on Monday, in French, rather than on Sunday. I know, of course, the French names for the days of the week, but not in the automatic fashion in which I recognise the English ones. So the "third day over" still always looks like Tuesday to me.

But today is Thursday. Ingrid's day (St. Ingrid?) according to the calendar. Good. That means tomorrow is Friday.

Today's weight: 127.5 pounds. Temperature: 97.4?F.

A. and I did a brisk walk of thirty minutes or so; he didn't want to run because he felt dyspeptic. There's been a water warning for the area just immediately south and east of us (where they're doing a great deal of road construction, which has stirred up bacteria) so we've been boiling our drinking water (we're out of bottled, and can't at the moment afford more). He, of course, blames the water. He drank a lot before I told him about the news article. I suspect it may have more to do with the fact that he's been hard at work on the bathroom, and has, therefore, eaten nothing but crap for the past three or four days -- large amounts of it.

Today is a higher-carb day for me. Eaten, or planned, thus far:
one, 3 oz chicken with bacony flavour goodness; 1/3 cup buckwheat pancake mix with 2 tablespoons egg sub, 1/4 cup soymilk, eaten with 2 tablespoons sugar-free jam, 2 tablespoons (or so) tofu cream, a bit of sugar-free pancake syrup on the ones with no jam. Coffee (tsk!) with just a small spoonful sugar-free vanilla coffee mix in it (tsk! tsk!).

two, pumpkin ryecake with chocolate Jello pudding mix (mixed up with more tofu cream).

three, 1.5 cups green beans, 1 ounce grape tomatoes, with balsamic vinegar, savoury, garlic; 2 slices Ezekiel bread, can of tuna, 2 tablespoons Pindjur.

Heigh-ho.

Better than it threatened
Yesterday, that is. I dragged myself to the dungeon after work full of fear and trepidation, but as it turned out, it was not so bad.

Back and Triceps
Still Rep Range week; tempo 212, rest 90 seconds.

CG Pulldown
WU 25lbs x8
Work 77.5lbs x8, 8
Notes: Boosted the weight 2.5lbs from last time, but it seems I could've been bolder.

WG Cable Row
WU 25lbs x8
Work 72.5lbs x10, 10
Notes: Made the 10, but only just. Again, weight boost.

DB Row on Incline Bench
WU 15lb DB x8
Work 37.5lb DB x12, sort of 12
Notes: Yep, last rep or two a bit pushed.

Weighted Bench Dip
WU b/w x8
Work 37.5lb DB in lap x8, 8
Notes: These really hurt my left wrist today for some reason.

Cable Pushdown w/rope attachment
WU 10lb x8
Work 25lb x9, 9
Notes: Oof.

Tricep Kickback
WU 5lb DB R8/L8
Work 17.5lb DB xL12/R12, R12/L12
Notes: Barely made the reps -- NOT time for more weight.

I followed this with 20 minutes on the rowing machine (to make matters perfectly clear to the back -- yuk). Later in the evening, I did 30 minutes on the stepper.

Food:
four, zucchini pancakes -- 7 oz zucchini, 2 tablespoons soy protein; 3 oz chicken; 2 tablespoons Pindjur; 2 servings lime Jello.

five, salad with Romaine, 3 oz red pepper, tablespoon water chestnuts, 3 oz shrimp, dressing of garlic-black bean paste, ginger juice and rice vinegar; goo of 2 tablespoons protein powder, Jello pudding mix, flax fibre, tablespoon almond butter, dusting slivered almonds. Herb tea.

"Goin' down! Mayday! Mayday!"
Today's weight: 128.5 pounds. Temperature: 96.8?F.

Yep, that's how I'm feeling. Lousy, in pain, and horrid, all the way through.

'Course, I was bemoaning my fate this morning, thinking I was being unjustly punished, starving, feeling dreadful, and still fat -- but I'd forgotten Sunday, hadn't I? Nothing unjust about it. Consequences of fuckup.

Apparently I slept through no less than three snooze alarms this morning, as I found out when I indignantly asked A. why he turned the alarm off instead of turning on the snooze as I'd asked. Then slept some more -- no cardio for me. I was late as it was, just preparing my three meals.

one, 4 tablespoons 8-grain cereal, vanilla s/f syrup, tablespoon black raspberry s/f jam; cup egg sub with green salsa; green tea.

two, frittata with cup egg sub, cup spaghetti squash, the usual seasonings and tablespoon flax seed, two tablespoons tofu cream, s/f pancake syrup.

three, salad with Romaine, handful grape tomatoes, a roasted pepper, balsamic vinegar-mustard dressing; other pumpkin ryecake with pumpkin-Jello goo to put on top.

I feel like hell. Somehow, I must kick myself into a back and tricep workout tonight, plus a nice, long, painful cardio session. Yek. I've also got to clean the cat litter -- it's revolting.

All I want to do is go to bed, for a couple of days if possible. I'm tired of everything, including life, at the moment.

And our laptop is still dead. The tech at Radio Shack has been trying to get it, sort of, running enough to save some of our data -- I don't think he believed me, that the hard drive was truly farked, thought it was just a Silly Person software problem. Now, two days of frustration later, I think he's convinced.

Tuesday, flushed
Yesterday, I did not do my arm workout. All day long, my body felt progressively more like crap, until by the time I got home from work I was so stiff, and in so much pain all over, that I was moving like Marvin the Paranoid Android on a bad day, and just about as bitchy.

I did do forty minutes on the stepper, though. A. had rented The Enemy at the Gates, and I watched that -- though it did not grip me sufficiently to keep me for the rest of it.

What I ate:
four, pumpkin rye-and-whites cake (like the oatcake, but with flakes of rye) with pumpkin-Jello pudding goo; cup of green beans with dill and butter sprinkles;

five, 7 oz zucchini grated, mixed with 2 tablespoons soy protein, cooked into cakes; 2.75 oz chicken with a tablespoon That Sauce; Jello pudding powder, flax fibre, a tablespoon almond butter mixed to goo with soymilk, topped with a dusting of slivered almonds. Tea.

Then I went to bed, quite early, and read for a while, Brenda Ueland's If You Want to Write. I've had this book for a few years, and sort of forgotten about it (been prowling through all of my writercraft books lately, which I hope means I'm due for a Burst of Creative Energy). It's much lauded, most places, as being terribly inspiring and motivating and all those wonderful things.

Unfortunately, she simply pisses me off. "Everyone can write. Everyone has an authentic voice." Bla-de-bla. Her anecdotes about her little working-class students finding their true inner voices, all simple and honestly perceived, seem horridly patronising to me (or would that be matronising?). All the way through, I kept finding myself asking, "and just who are you, Brenda, to be confidently assuring me of this, with your smug little affirmations?" Besides a friend of Carl Sandburg of course, which she tells us several times.

I stuck it on top of the Books to Sell pile this morning. Bleah.

Happiness lies in mediocrity
I have been wrong, it seems. Don't do what you love; seek quiet, respectable anonymity in your work, and find your passion elsewhere.

I suppose there's happiness, then there's happiness. Nemko is speaking of contentment, not joy.

Not that there's anything wrong with contentment, I suppose -- after all, I've chosen it for fifteen years, haven't I? But then what? Do this for another twenty years, then pass into the dark, having done nothing even I'm truly proud of, let alone achieved fame or fortune?

I don't want fame or fortune, really. But I don't want to die with the knowledge that I've risked nothing, tried nothing, been an entire waste of a life's time.

Eh.

Today's weight: 128.5 pounds. Temperature 97.2?F.

Ran this morning for a bit over 20 minutes, with the dog. He was very good! I chanced leaving him off the leash, and he listened when I told him to sit, waited patiently at every intersection, did not run suddenly across the road at any time...

The moon was full and bright, still hanging in the sky, and there was frost on the grass. Frost. This has been one of the oddest summers I've never experienced. Not that I am particularly enamoured of Southern Ontario's traditional sauna-like two months of steamy humidity, but neither am I a fan of cold. Feels as though I'm going to be plunged right back into winter without ever once having been truly warm.

Food thus far:
one, 1/4 cup 8-grain cereal with vanilla s/f syrup and a bit of sugar-free black raspberry jam; 1 cup scrambled egg sub with salsa. Instant coffee.

two, 1 cup egg sub frittata'ed with onion, spaghetti squash, flax seed, with tofu mayo and pancake syrup.

three, 3.25 oz chicken, cooked up fajita-style with some peppers, onion, garlic, lime juice and spices, with a tablespoon or so of frozen edamame (just because they were there, a tag-end in the freezer), accompanied by a large dish of Romaine with grape tomatoes over which to pour it.

You may have noted (or, heck, you may not) that I am no longer including the "sour shot" in my meal records. That's 'cos I am no longer including the sour shot. Don't know about nutrient partitioning, but it was inarguably disagreeing with me in some fundamental way -- necessitating a burst of cardio as I zipped to the bathroom almost exactly twenty minutes after every meal so accompanied. Yeah. So much for that...

I have also abandoned the ZMA. I forgot to take it for a couple days, and the bloating round my tum seemed to abate very slightly. Since stopping it altogether (about three weeks now) I've lost over an inch round the waist. I am now taking melatonin, though, cos the ZMA definitely made me sleep better even if t'was keeping me apple-shaped.

So much for Monday
Wrap that up:
meal four, oatcake with Jello pudding on top, 4 ounces broccoli, fizzy drink made with instant coffee powder, sugar-free chocolate syrup and soda water.

meal five, a cup of green beans with a sprinkle of nutritional yeast and lemon pepper; shiratake with chicken and a sauce composed of tofu mayo and a roasted red pepper, blended together (very tasty!)

Late snack of sugar-free lime Jello with a bit of tofu cream flavoured with coconut extract.

I did an ab routine:
Weighted Swiss Ball Crunch
35lb DB 3x15

Twisting Crunch (knees to side, torso flat)
3x12

Reverse Crunch (holding for 2 seconds at top)
3x10

followed by 30 minutes on the stepper, watching parts of Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai. I really like this movie, which is a rather bittersweet, occasionally bitingly funny, and very well-musicked meditation on the inevitable passing of tradition and honour.

Bloodless reconstruction
This is very cool: a Shockwave animation (very tidy and gore-free) of ACL reconstruction.

Care for a cut off the joint, miss?
I forgot the other notable event of Friday, which consisted of visiting my doctor for the MRI report.

I didn't get to see the images, but apparently it is not a pretty picture. I do have a copy of the report, and it is full of editorial comments like "this young patient".

Things going on in this young patient's left knee include...
All sorts of chewing and damage to the meniscus -- the cushiony bit between the knee and the lower leg -- the highlight being a "very large displaced medial meniscal fragment, flipped into the medial gutter". It is big; 1.6cm by 1.3cm.

Complete (rather than partial, as per original diagnosis) tear of the anterior cruciate ligament, the infamous ACL.

Bone island and early osteophytes (osteoarthritis -- often associated with damaged joints).

Kneecap a mess. "Severe chondromalacia patella" in official terms, which means, essentially, "The cartilage cushion on the back of the kneecap is gone; the bone of the kneecap is all worn and horrid, and it's been grinding against the associated leg bones too, so now their cartilage is going." Yumma.

Sprain of the MC ligament, and "effusion", which means "lots of fluid puffing out the joint."

And what does this mean to me, and my hobbling progress through life? To my immense relief, the doctor didn't suggest surgery as a first option. Since my knee gives out only occasionally, he said that repair of the ACL is probably not necessary at the moment. And that weight-lifting is a good thing, strengthening the surrounding muscles.

His first suggestion is injections of synovial fluid straight into the knee, to juice it up and lubricate it. Yech, but the least invasive.

Next option is minor surgery -- not the ACL repair, but a scope and scraping of all the loose and torn bits of cartilage. He suspects, because of where the pain is when he pokes me, that most of the trouble is coming from the messed-up kneecap and the osteoarthritis. The synovial fluid would help with the arthritis, and the scraping would improve the kneecap situation.

Of course, naturally, synovial fluid injections aren't covered by OHIP. It's $400 for the series of three. Hurrah. (I hear OHIP doesn't even cover eye exams any more. Last I heard, being able to see was necessary... I wish our stupid government would either shit or get off the pot. Go for the full US paid health care model and damn the critics, or quit gutting our socialised medicine on the quiet and hoping no one notices until it's too late. Mind you, no one is noticing, are they? You cannot underestimate the apathy of our electorate, it would seem.)