The usual counting
Total calories: 1294. 122g protein, 112g carbs (26g fibre), 31g fat.

Today's weight and temperature went untallied when the alarm went off at Dark o'Clock this morning.

Lessee... post-workout meal was 1/3 cup (dry measure) of barley, cooked, with my protein shake, mixed with minimal water, poured a-top. Dinner was a couple scoops braised red cabbage (a very simple recipe, originally from the Vegetarian Times Cookbook) with a tin of sardines and some hot sauce, followed by a half-cup or so of spaghetti squash (the bits that wouldn't fit into the container, yeah) with some dulce de leche sugar-free syrup. And green tea.

Workout today was Arms. Still Shock week, tempo still 313/101, rest minimal. I was not in top form; I think sleep has as much to do with workout strength as food. (Wow, what a shocker!)

Superset:
EZ Bar Curl
WU EZ+10lbs (25.5lbs) x6
Work EZ+20lbs (35.5lbs) x10, 9

CG Pulldown
WU 30lbs x6
Work 80lbs x10, 6+1+1
Notes: yes, check the pathetic-ness of the second pulldown set. Blah. I must weigh the short Oly bar and the EZ.

Superset:
DB Preacher Curl on Swiss ball
WU 5lb DB x6
Work 15lb PB x10

Reverse-grip EZ Curl
WU Bare bar x6
Work EZ+15lbs (30.5lbs) x8+1+1

Dropset:
Single-Arm Cable Curl starting L
10lb x8/9
7.5lb x7/8
5lb x8/9
Notes: Not only did that suck, form crap, everything bad, but I forgot how many reps I did with the left arm. Now I'm gonna be lopsided. Wah.

Superset:
Cable Pushdown, short bar
WU 10lb x6
Work 25lbs x10, 11

CG EZ Bench Press
WU EZ+20lbs (35.5lbs) x6
Work EZ+40lbs (55.5lbs) x10, 7
Notes: Well, managed an extra rep on the pushdown, then blew out on the bench press. With A. spotting, I had, sort of, an eighth rep, second set, but it was too shaky to count.

Superset:
Reverse-Grip Cable Pushdown, short bar
WU 5lb x6
Work 15lb x10, 10

Incline Overhead Extension
WU 5lb DB x6
Work 10lb DB x10, 7
Notes: I could tell I was tired by the way the DBs kept whacking the back of the bench on their downward path.

I'd been thinking to go for a run after, but I felt so flagged after this pathetic exhibition that I just went upstairs and ate. Total workout time: 45 minutes.

Full-body beatbox
That's what an MRI is like. It's very, very loud. It starts off with a slow beat: tok. tok. tok. Then a electro-pop wavering screech. Then something that sounds like a cross between speaker feedback and a jackhammer, with the tok still counter-jammin' behind it.

I was disappointed, because I didn't actually get the slow ride through the eerie lit white tunnel -- it being just my knee they were looking at, they slid my lower body into the MRI like a pen into a lid, and left me there, with earplugs and a call button in case I panicked. Very restful, like late-night new music on CBC.

And it was a very, very quiet drive into Toronto. Nothing on the roads but occasional long caravans of transport trucks, at 4 a.m. Peaceful. Mist moored like a canopy over the highway, strung by the lampposts.

After the MRI, we went to Church Street, to the Timothy's Coffee Bar in the gay village which is the ne plus ultra of the Square. I mean, of course, the over-caloric pastry items which most such coffee bars purvey. The ones here are -- amazing. The Nanaimo bars (my personal addiction) have utterly spoiled me for any other: at least two inches thick, with a filling that tastes of something, and a quarter-inch of dark chocolate on top. Sticky pecan caramel things. Brownies to make a strong dyke weep. Carrot cake that's better than most sex. I once drove all the way to Toronto and back for no other reason than to get one of those Nanaimo bars.

No, we didn't eat any today. I got a coffee with sugar-free syrup, and we purchased two squares, a Nanaimo bar for me, and something called a Praline Shortbread for A. They are now tucked away in waxed-paper wrappings in the freezer, ready for the next cheat day.

What I've eaten today: a dimly-remembered cup of egg substitute with the Sauce that Shall Not Be Named and extra habanero sauce, and a quarter-cup of 8-grain cereal with sugar-free syrup stirred in (actually prepared last night, and cold and stodgy, just the way I like it) and a bit of soymilk on it.

Meal two, eaten after the Timothy's stop, was a frittata, also prepared last night: cup of egg sub, some spinach, some peppers, some onion, tablespoon flax seed.

Meal three, eaten after a three-hour nap (oy!) was salad with half a can of tuna, tomato, onion and tofu mayo dressing, followed by half of the other one of those dry-ish oatcakes with 2 tablespoons almond-flavoured tofu cream on top.

I still have to work out.

I'm also reading -- got another big stack of books out of the library. Last night, I finished something called Mr. Timothy, by Louis Bayard. Bayard imagines Tiny Tim Cratchit, grown to adulthood and struggling to escape the burden of his childhood crippling, his family, his obligation to Ebenezer Scrooge. It was quite good, a lot better than many another of these "sequels", and it is also, incidentally, quite a ripping historical mystery. I only hope it doesn't launch a series of "Mr. Tim Mysteries." That would be painful.

Now, I've moved on to Fool's Fate, the last book of Robin Hobb's Tawny Man trilogy. I'm liking it just as much as the other two. I still want to know what exactly it was that Robin Hobb was doing, in between publishing all-right, slightly off-beat, single-book stuff under the name of Megan Lindholm, and reinventing herself as Robin Hobb, one of the better creators of Fat Fantasy Trilogies.

She got legs
And they're very loud now.

Leg workout today. First workout of Shock Week; tempo for first exercise of supersets (and all dropsets) 212, second exercise 101; rest as little as possible (setup time).

Superset:
One-Legged Squat off Box
WU b/w L4/R4
Work 45lb PB R10/L10, L10/R10

Front Squat
WU 65lbs x6
Work 105lbs x10, 10
Notes: Boy, those numbers look much more impressive with the Oly bar in them, don't they? Even the front squats didn't suck as much today. And the one-legs have quite the impact with more weight, oh yes indeedy.

Superset:
Leg Extension
WU 50lbs x6
Work 130lbs x10, 10

Genie squat
WU b/w x6
Work 45lb PB x10, 10
Notes: I like Genies a lot better than sissies with weight; much less knee stress.

Dropset Lunges, starting R forward
115lbs x10/10
105lbs x10/10
Notes: still wobbly in the knee joint. Hopefully, tomorrow I will find out exactly what's going on in there.

Superset:
Lying Leg Curl, toes pointed
WU 35lbs x6
Work: 55lbs x10, 10

Pull-through
WU 20lbs x6
Work 60lbs x10, 10
Notes: last 2 reps on second set of Leg Curl sloppy -- more of a kickup. Blah. And remember to stand on the footplate for the pull-through! I nearly pulled the cable stack over.

Dropset:
Romanian Deadlift
SOly+80 x10
SOly+70 x9
Notes: must weigh the short Olympic bar!

Followed by a vigorous 20 minutes of beating up on the heavy bag. Three minutes plyometrics, 5 minutes of punching (30 seconds on, 30 seconds light skipping, alternating), repeat three times. Oof.

Post-workout meal: the Dairy-Free oatcake with whey (very dry!) and some Jello pudding/soymilk stuff on top, plus a small salad of lettuce and tomato with hot sauce, balsamic vinegar, and capers/jalapenos (rinsed to get some of the salt out).

Other eatin' -
Meal one: oatmeal pancakes (I must, with regret, banish my happy pancake mixes, as they have skim milk powder in 'em). 1/3 cup oats, ground, with 1/2 cup soymilk, baking powder, 2 tablespoons egg substitute. Plus the remaining egg sub (1 cup in a carton) scrambled with the Sauce that Shall Not Be Named. Green tea. Sour shot. Fistful of supplements.

Meal two: sour shot, a salad with Romaine, a bit of broccoli, some red pepper, 3.5 oz fresh-baked chicken (the new batch is quite up to standard, succulent and plump), some teriyaki stuff and rice vinegar, and half a cup of aduki beans mashed up with vanilla sugar-free syrup and some tofu cream on top. (That was very good. I'm deeply fond of those Japanese red-bean sweets.)

Meal three was the postworkout thingie.

Meal four: 8 oz zucchini, grated, made into cakes with 2 tablespoons soy protein, topped with 2 ounces chicken breast cooked with 3 mushrooms and a half-ounce onion, paprika, tofu mayo, followed by 4 tablespoons 8-grain cereal flavoured with chocolate syrup and a bit of cocoa, tofu cream on top. Green tea.

Totals: 1274 calories, 127g protein, 123g carbs (23g fibre), 22g fat.

And so we danced
And it was good. The place was half-empty (apparently someone, somewhere, got the notion to hold a "prom", and a great many regulars were off at that) which means more space for dancing (my favourite form of cardio). The music was decent -- not too much trendy, overplayed stuff, and not too much, either, of really grinding, tuneless industrial-punk (which, while it may certainly express the Angst and Pain of Young Life, is not quite so much fun to dance to).

I dressed up, for once. Usually, since I am not pullin' and dancing, when I dance it, is of the aerobic rather than the mating persuasion, I wear my usual sexless boichik clothes and maybe a few more bits of jewellery. Last night, for the hell of it, I put on the goth in vintage satin skirt and backless top, and felt elegant. (The temptation was strong to dig out one of the veiled chapeaux, but I doubt the night crowd in this town is ready to appreciate my hats.)

And it's fun, going out with someone who has a genuine social life; one meets people. They were people I know, of course -- but I would wager that if I'd been out by myself, rather than with my prettily conspicuous friend, they'd not have said hello.

Weight this morning: 129.5 pounds. However, this would be because I was starving when I got home at 2-ish a.m. and had had, at that point, under a thousand calories. I debated leaving it, and going to bed, and then decided that forestalling the dreaded Catabolism was probably more important. Thus, I mixed up and ate one of my gloppy messes, protein powder, flax fibre, Jello pudding powder, a tablespoon of almond butter and a further dusting of slivered almonds. With a mug of herb tea.

Total yesterday (including what I, technically, ate this morning): 1295 calories, 128g protein, 126g carbs (24g fibre), 29g fat.

That was Saturday? Where'd it go?
Well, the massage (actually, it was mostly osteo, and my friend the therapist says my right leg is longer than my left, and my hip joints are inflexible) turned into a day-long odyssey.

We're taking care of Onyx's adoptive brother again today, so we brought them both along (they both rode in my lap during the forty-minute ride to the next town! Bro' Dog, a mostly-bulldog named Orc (now usually called Porc, in recognition of the new fullness of figure he has suddenly developed) sleeps in cars, so he slept heavily across one thigh with his head on A.'s arm, but Onyx likes to look out the window. He has to switch, windshield to door window and back, in case he misses anything -- so he danced heavily back and forth on me and Porc the whole way. Porc didn't care, but my bladder rather did...)

I had my treatment, then A. had a treatment while I ate my lunch (leftover chicken breast from the Indian restaurant, rubbed with spices, on a salad, and a rice pudding thing I made of some cooked brown rice, Jello pudding powder, cardamom and rosewater -- to go with the East Indian theme, you know). Then we took our friend (who is presently carless) to Sears to look at appliances -- she is planning to turn the top half of the house her practice is in to an apartment, and live there, and thence to the grocery store so she could buy heavy things and not have to lug them home.

And there it was. Day gone. I've just finished dinner -- half cup egg sub, 75g can smoked tuna, 2 tablespoons of the Pindjur stuff, 6 ounces broccoli with Mrs. Dash, and dessert -- 8-grain cereal, chocolate syrup, and vanilla-flavoured tofu cream.

I'm meeting up with a friend to go dance my face off tonight.

And though it's early to be saying so, I have a feeling in my vitals that the refeed has kicked things up. I noticed this morning after my bath -- finally -- that things seemed to be shifting in the bod -- and my watch has suddenly started to spin on my wrist, just today. Here's hoping, anyway.

All hail the refeed
129 pounds, 98.6?F today. Which, considering the incredible variety of Very Bad Food I put in my face last night, is well-nigh miraculous.

That's the trouble with the whole "refeed" thing, and as far as I can tell, it happens to nearly everyone: when you've been restricting your intake severely, you get a seratonin high the instant the sugar touches your tongue. Then it's all over, and you eat anything that doesn't run away fast enough. I've seen posts from people on message boards saying that they set their alarm clocks extra-early on refeed days so they can get started eating sooner, don't go out all day because they're eating, lay in stockpiles of sweet junk food... it's really terribly disturbing. Which is just one reason I'm not going to be doing that any more.

I must say, that new Indian restaurant is very, very good. Quite unequalled in this town, although the gulab jamun A. and I shared sucked. The savoury dishes, though, were very well done.

Breakfast this morning (late this morning): 1/3 cup 10-grain pancake mix (battered up with an egg white), topped with a bit of sugar-free jam or syrup, and 2 tablespoons plain tofu cream mixed with 2 tablespoons unflavoured whey protein, and some butter extract. Weird, but it works. Plus a cup of frozen broccoli with some teriyaki sauce, and green tea.

I'm off to get a massage and maybe some osteopathic treatment today.

That's more like it
I've been dragging along for such a time now, on too little calories and too long after lunch, that I forgot that in fact, I do like to work out.

Today, Back, Traps and Calves. Still Rep Range week, tempo 212, rest 90 seconds.

Close Grip Pulldown
WU 25lbs x8
Work 75 lbs x8, 8
Notes: So smooth, so easy... and last time, I was struggling at 70.

Wide Grip Cable Row
WU 25lbs x8
Work 70lbs x10, 14
Notes: supposed to be 2x10. Again, sweetly easy.

DB Row on Incline Bench
WU 15lb PBs x8
Work 35lb PBs+Add x12, 12
Notes: Okay, these were a bit harder. Last two on the first set were tough; second set was totally a breeze till the 8th rep, then suddenly I was wrestling to get the last. Not quite time to add more weight.

DB Shrugs
55lb PBs x12, 15
Notes: It's my grip that's limiting these, not my traps.

BB Shrug (with straps)
135lbs x10, 12
Notes: I found out just the other day that in fact you DO count the bar in your weight. That makes my squat slightly less humiliating... anyway, so the weight here includes the Olympic bar. The second set was wacked, as despite the straps my hands were slipping along the bar, and thus it was getting more and more unbalanced.

Standing Calf Raise
65lb PB (single)
R10/L10, L12/R12
Notes: I took these slllloooowwwwly, and finally, made my calves shriek with pain.

Then I went for a nice 30-minute run, down the rail trail and back around home through the cemetery. It was rainy and frigid most of the day, but at some point while I was down in the gym, the skies became sunny and balmy, if not warm. Delightful! Utterly delightful!

Now, I'm sweaty, drinking the post-workout shake (protein powder, tablespoon flaxseed, chocolate syrup) and just about to get in my bath. Then off for East Indian dinner!

What kind of feminist am I?
Or am I? This link comes from Utopian Hell, via Mouse Words.

1. Most of us go by pseudonyms on the internet to avoid rabid ex-lovers, identity thieves, and dirtbags that have nothing better to do. These names have special meaning to each person and often tell a bit about that person. If you use a pseudonym, list it and explain why you chose that particular name. If you don't, well, just tell us your name.
CompassRose, which I use most places, is evocative to me, but honestly, the initial choice was rather random. I was signing on, I remember, to a forum, and my first choice of 'nyms was taken. I looked about my bookshelves, and my eye fell (unsurprisingly) upon the heavily-populated Ursula K. Le Guin section. The Compass Rose is the title of a collection of short stories.

The other name I use occasionally is derived from Hecate, which I recently found out has been suggested as the origin of my first name (which is etymologically somewhat mysterious, though usually rendered as "pure"). I would far rather honour Hecate than be known as "pure".

2. Are you single? I am not.

3. If yes, do you believe in marriage as an institution?
Even though I am technically excluded from this question, I want to address it. I do believe that honouring the commitment of lifelong lovers (note, please, here, that I do not say couples) is important, and doing so in a way that is public and meaningful to the kinship circle of the lovers concerned is also important.

It is also important (and to me, self-evident) that such partnerships should have some way of asserting their legal significance.

However, and this is a big however, I don't believe that the social, possibly religious/spiritual declaration of vows should have anything to do with the legal.

And I also suspect that a great many of the people who use phrases such as "marriage as an institution" have only one institution in mind, an imposing structure of heavy Judeo-Christian stone. Let us not forget that every culture has its own traditions.

4. Do you have any children? I do not, by my conscious choice.

5. Was your mother a feminist?
I think she is, though I don't know if she would call herself one. My mother is utterly herself, and makes no excuses for it. And she is one of the strongest women I know.

6. Reach back into your brain and remember what made you a feminist in the first place. Tell us the story, and let us know if those things still weigh heavily in your decision to continue being a feminist.
Books, of course. My existence is shaped by books. Hm. I would have to say that Red Sonja and Morgaine were the germ of my becoming a feminist. But then I read other things -- history, various classics of feminist literature -- and noticed the parallels to my own life (I was, for instance, discouraged from taking shop class by my high school guidance counsellor) and became, for a bit, a fire-breathing feminist.

I've cooled off a lot these days. I have to admit, I'm not temperamentally a fire-breather, not a marcher, not a chainer-to-the-railings. Honestly, I want what my mother has, the freedom to be myself whatever, and I want all people to have the same.

7. What would you call your `personal style'? Do you like makeup/hate makeup? Jeans and t-shirts or flares and babydolls? Do you own any high heels? Give us an indication of the types of things you like to wear and the image that you portray that makes you the most comfortable.
"Costume". I dress up a lot. But for every day, it is probably closest to "literary dyke". There is a great deal of used clothing involved, in plain colours that go with each other. I don't wear makeup most days, and my hair is weird.

8. Are you a crazy cat lady?
I am a crazy animal lady. I like most animals better than most people.

9. What do you think of men in this crazy world? Are they the problem or the solution? Are they all guilty by association, or is it a social ill that we all have to face?
Is what a social ill? The men? Oh dear! I think "blaming the men" is simplistic; a lot of people simply don't consider the socialisation they are given. They inherit ideas, culture, behaviour, and repeat it; it evolves of itself, but they are not conscious of its evolution, nor of the people who actively work to shape it.

People are the problem. People. History. Stubbornness and love of tradition -- even most progressive people, somewhere, have a love of personal tradition, a secret piece of their own childhood that they value. Conservatism is a human trait, in many ways a positive one. The question is knowing when to taste the new berry, and when it might kill you, after all.

10. Who do you think is more dangerous to feminism: Women who portray feminism as dirty and unfeminine, or men who wish to control their wives through monetary and other means? Or do you have another theory all together?
I think women work more actively, and sneakily, to sabotage other women. I know I have felt far more pressure from other females to conform, to be "girly", than I ever did from men. On an individual basis, women are more likely to shame or hurt another woman for "being a feminist".

However, in terms of greater harm, it is definitely "the establishment" that is the danger. And the establishment is, still, largely male. Does that mean men are the problem? Well, in so far as the one on top of the heap generally strives to remain there, yes.

We are still apes, really, with some extra brains and books and things. Our mental nature needs to catch up with our animal nature, and until that happens on a wider scale, "better than you" -- whoever you is, women, different-coloured people, fat people -- is always going to be a game we are instinctively drawn to, and many of us will deliberately, and dirtily, play.

11. What is your political affiliation?
I'm not affiliated with politics.

12. What is the last book that you read?
I finished The Elephants of Style last night.

Not quite miraculous
Today's weight: 128.5 pounds. Temperature: 97.3?F.

I am happy (I suppose) to report that this is not the sort of miraculous drop which would prompt an immediate adoption of the Pralines and Chocolate diet. ("Get ripped and bring your dentist joy!")

However, it is sufficient to suggest that getting on the carb-cycle wagon pretty darn quick is probably a good notion. I will also be cutting back on the salt.

Eating, planned and/or consumed thus far:
Meal one: 1/3 cup (dry measure) oatmeal, with Dulce de Leche sugar-free syrup and a dusting of butter sprinkles; 1/2 cup egg substitute made into an omelette with a filling of half a can of tuna, some chopped dill and a couple tablespoons tofu mayo.

Meal two: the other half can of tuna, one ounce onion, some frozen peppers, a lot of spices of the hot Mexican persuasion, and another half-cup egg substitute, en frittate.

Meal three: a serving of turkey chili which I unearthed in the freezer, and a salad of Romaine and red pepper with balsamic vinegar. (I slept in shamefully this morn. Time was tight.)

And the score is Me -- Zero
Total calories: 1644. 116g protein, 169g carbs (27g fibre), 43g fat.

This is because not only did I have a small piece of bittersweet chocolate, but I also had a couple of Real N'Awlins Pralines which I whipped up to bring as a gift to this birthday party tomorrow.

It is all very well to tell yourself "the other competitors are not eating crap" when your diet is going relatively swimmingly.

If, on the other hand, you are eating 1400 or sometimes less calories per day, all clean as per custom, mostly hungry and mostly cranky, and nothing is budging, well, "fukkit" begins to be heard about the vaults of the skull, and you decide you might as well go on the pralines diet, because it's pretty obvious that the skinless chicken, fibrous veggies and nice low GI carbs are not doing the bloody trick.

Yes. So that was fifth meal. Fourth meal was oven-fried chicken with spiced nutritional yeast, a pile of broccoli, and four ounces sweet potato.

If I am down weight tomorrow, I will be some bitter, I can tell you.